Tuesday, September 4, 2012

No Filter

I still don't know what that means..."no filter".  I see it on Instagram photos and hashtagged on pics on Twitter.  I'm assuming it means you used nothing to enhance your picture...that you didn't select any of the options that magically transformed your ugly duckling of a crap photo into a beautiful swan.

Well, that's how I feel like writing..with "no filter". I've spent a good number of hours editing and re-editing articles in search of typos and anything that ruined "the flow" of it.  So now, I just want to barf out everything in my brain without hesitation to correct or find the perfect word that explains how I feel. That's right. I want to barf out words. No breaks between gags and no time out to wipe my mouth. What an image I've painted.

I've been auditioning without too much feeling. No, that's a lie. I feel A LOT while I'm auditioning. But I don't care so much about the results. Of whether or not I get the part. Maybe that's just a defense mechanism. So I don't have to deal with any inevitable feeling of "failure". Or maybe it's because I just signed up for acting classes and I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I am but a grasshopper who will eventually spread its wings (which means I am on my way to becoming a mutant grasshopper. Do they even have wings? Maybe some stupid, useless appendages for show.) Anyway, I pat myself on the back after leaving the audition room and go on my merry way. To fill my days with other things that make me feel like somewhat of a valuable human being. Like making money. And planning my obviously super successful future (you do realize I'm joking, right?) But I do feel good. Because even though sometimes I have days where I'm let down by people or ponder if I'm doing enough for the world, for the most part, I'm pretty darn happy. I don't think since I've come to this big city, I've ever moaned, "Why is it SOOO hard?" *goes back to journal entries to check validity of previous statement. Yup, pretty sure I've never said that. Though there were times that sucked, I think I keep myself afloat with positive vibes and friends, and as cheesy as it sounds, I absolutely make sure I surround myself with motivational stories, quotes, and maybe a little bit of delusion. Oh well. It works. I have a moat of all things beautiful filled with light protecting me from all that yuck. I lie. Sometimes I get yuck, and the thing is, the yuck is pretty darn cool because it keeps things interesting and keeps me on my toes. You know that saying, and I'm gonna mess this one up, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Yeah. A structured plan is key to reaching dreams. But you have to be ready to adapt to the changes that WILL occur in your plan. I might think I'm going for a role in a comedic TV show, but I might just end up on a reality show as a mom with 8 babies and five husbands. (WHAT? That's been done already?!) But I guess until then, I'm still on the road toward my goal. All I ask is for some sprinkles of good people, fun experiences, and education in the mix. And fries. I can't live without fries. Don't test me. Right now I am getting really excited to prep for an audition. It is just such a kick ass role. I am certain in my heart of hearts (correct saying?) that I need like 12 times the amount of fat in my  chest to even be in the running, but I'm giddy, nonetheless. No really. This character can only work with dem boobies. If I were the casting director, I would make that mandatory. I'm in "so what, who cares" mode, so maybe I'll stuff my bra to ridiculous proportions. Now if you think this was a pretty self-indulgent post, I'd have to ask, aren't all bloggers somewhat self-indulgent? Oh, and then if you're an actor/blogger, you're (meaning "I'm") the epitome of self-indulgent. But really, if you met me, you'd know that I'm not. I'm a lot about you. I just think writing is way cheaper than therapy. So who are you voting for?

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