Friday, July 20, 2012

Rain, Rain, Don't Go Away...

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This is what I imagine the bustling city to be like on this rainy night. But I wouldn't know. I actually haven't stepped outside the apartment all day. While friends are off gallivanting around town and experiencing the excitement of first dates, I smile inwardly as I stuff my face with Trader Joe's cheese puffs.

Usually, my restless little soul would be scratching at the door for an opportunity to leave the place. Even a grocery store run to know that I had at least inhaled some of the city air today. Normally, I would feel ridden with guilt, and I'd chastise myself for being so lazy. Yet, today is so different. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Besides a conference call this morning, I had no contact with another human being until my husband came home. With regard to electronic communication, I received an alarming barrage of emails. One of them being a polite note that I was released from a commercial. But I took it all in stride. Oh yes, actually, I did have one more person with whom I spoke on the phone. I have an interview with an agency next week. I had submitted to them a while back and had forgotten. I don't think the timing could have been any more perfect.

I had a feline visitor during the downpour this afternoon.  One of the few contacts I had with a living thing today.

I know that I'm behind in replying to people, but I'm not pressuring myself with the usual overwhelming need to be on top of everything. I don't want to describe it as irresponsible. But these days, I forgive myself for responding to a friend's text from 2 days I'm learning to be ok with not volunteering to help every single person. It's similar to when you're on vacation and can finally relax, and you feel like you are entitled to do so.

And it's an inner change because nobody had pushed crazy expectations onto me. None of my friends ring my neck for not promptly returning a call. I just always prided myself in being the person who always gets back to you right away, letting you know even if I can't make it to a function and why. I also always wanted to be the person who helped one get to a solution. Like help EVERYONE. It's quite unrealistic.

And for whatever reason, I'm still as scatterbrained as ever and the to-do's are piling up to an all-time high, but I feel like I can breathe a little better. My mind isn't racing as much. I didn't have to wake up early this morning to create a minute by minute schedule of the day. And maybe it's coinciding with age and relishing all the simple things we have for which to be grateful. I don't know. But all I really looked forward to was for my husband to return home, share an unpretentious meal, and curl up to whatever Netflix has to offer.

I wonder, when did I become this girl? And when will the Tasmanian devil version of myself return? Because I have a feeling she will.

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This Tasmanian devil  could use a wee bit of relaxation.

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