Thursday, January 30, 2014

High Waisted Pants Make My Eyes Bleed!

I was watching Her the other night, and I sat there flabbergasted by the wardrobe.  Pants that were hitched up under the armpits. In the future. 
Ok, so maybe they weren't THAT high.  But man, were they high.

Come ON.

Come to find out Opening Ceremony actually carries a Her-inspired line, including those crazy trousers created by the movie's costume designer Casey Storm.  And according to The Hollywood Reporter, Storm says "they're selling more briskly than expected." What?  Even Joaquin Phoenix wasn't sure how he felt about these pants: "I don't get it, but I trust you guys".  No, Joaquin, no!!!

I mean, can you imagine me in these???

I already get a lot of flack from my friend Joni when I wear my J.Lo-ish velour track suit bottom in the house. "Why do you have to pull them up so HIGH?!," as she angrily tugs at them. 

I admit it. When I put those pants on, my ass looks like Joaquin's (nonexistent) booty here.
I also confess that I have a romper that has a high waist.  When I wear them, my husband won't touch me with a 10-foot pole. When I turn my backside toward him, I swear he winces.  My reason for wearing, it doesn't matter. No reason is really good enough to justify the way I look in them.

That's because VERY few people can pull off high waisted pants.

Look, I know that people were mean about Jessica Simpson's "Mom" pants.  Most comments were directed at her weight. I'm not going there. I actually think she has a nice, womanly body. But she could have perfect proportions and still be ruined by these pants.  It's like they were made to destroy one's sexual appeal. They're a form of birth control, if you will.

Even Queen Bey isn't completely immune to the atrocious effects of high waisted pants.  And she could wear a giant potato sack and still look good.

 I think Blake Lively actually pulls off the high waisted harem pants look here. But I don't know if she's even human so she may not count.  Her body is ridiculous.

 But alas, even the beautiful Blake cannot escape the flat butt phenomenon associated with high waisted pants. 

Do you like the way high waisted pants look?  

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